If you are grieving the loss or death of a loved one, the time around holidays (any holiday that you celebrate, at any time of year) can be some of the most difficult to navigate. Traditions may bring comfort or may feel obligatory or meaningless. Being surrounded by others may feel like a joy or may feel like a demand on your limited energy resources. You may not feel like celebrating, while at the same time the world is shoving good cheer in your face. It’s incredibly challenging.
Remember that you have agency to set your own boundaries, take care of your needs, and live authentically during the holidays — it may be what gets you through the season. For a few suggestions about how to do that, here is the Griever’s Holiday Bill of Rights, adapted from the work of Bruce H. Conley.
The Griever’s Holiday Bill of Rights
Adapted from Bruce H. Conley, 1992
1) You have a right to say time out!
Anytime you need to, you can step back from the holidays, take a little break, blow off some steam, and start up again when you’re ready.
2) You have a right to tell it like it is.
When people ask. "How are you?” you have the right to share how you really feel, not just say what you think they want to hear. (You also have the right to smile and say you're fine if you don’t feel comfortable sharing with that person or if you don’t feel like getting into it.)
3) You have the right to some “bah humbug” days.
You don't have to be jolly, merry, or in the holiday spirit all the time.
4) You have the right to do things differently.
There is no law that says you must always celebrate the same way. You can go to someone else's house. You can have pizza instead of turkey. You can skip the decorations. The list is endless.
5) You have the right to be where you want to be.
Be at home, at your friends’ or relatives’, or on a solo vacation far away. You can go anywhere you choose.
6) You have a right to some fun!
When you have a day that isn't so bad and you feel like doing something just for fun, do it! Don't be afraid of what someone else will say if they see you laughing and having a good time. Laughter and joy are every bit as important as tears.
7) You have a right to change direction mid-stream.
Holiday grief is unpredictable. You may be all ready to go somewhere or do something and then suddenly be overwhelmed. When that happens, it's okay to change your mind. Exercise your right to change plans when you need to.
8) You have a right to do things at different times.
Go to religious services at a different time. Serve holiday meals at a different time. Open presents at a different time. Give up and go to bed at a different time! You don’t have to be ruled by the holiday clock.
9) You have a right to rest, peace, and solitude.
You don't need to be busy all the time. Slow down when you need to. Take a nap whenever you need one. Take time to recharge your spirit.
10) You have the right to do it all differently again next year.
Just because you change things one year does not mean it’s now written in stone. Next year you can always change it back or do it in yet another new way.
Wishing you a gentle holiday season.