The Benefits of Self-Compassion
Do you raise an eyebrow or draw a blank when you hear about “practicing self-compassion”? Does it sound too woo-woo, too trite, or too nondescript for you? If so, then perhaps you might approach it this way: how would you rather talk to yourself? Harshly or kindly?
The automatic answer might be, “Oh yes, of course it’s better to speak kindly to ourselves,” but is that what we actually do? Many of us are so used to hearing a critical, judgmental, and shaming voice in our heads that we think it’s normal and it’s just telling the truth.
“Pull yourself together and stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“Mistakes are unacceptable.”
“Everyone else can do this. What’s wrong with you?”
If we’re totally honest, are we willing to give up that punishing inner drill sergeant? We might secretly believe that speaking to ourselves more kindly will make us weak and undisciplined.
It turns out, though, that a kind and self-compassionate inner voice will actually bring you closer to being who you want to be and achieving your goals, not to mention offering benefits to mental health, physical health, relationships, and all areas of your life.
In graduate school I was lucky to take a course on positive psychology with Dr. Shauna Shapiro. At one point she shared something that immediately and profoundly changed me: when we shame ourselves inwardly (like some of the examples above), our brain and nervous system experience it just as if someone else were criticizing or berating us. Even though the call is coming from inside the house, our brain is still flooded with cortisol and norepinephrine, sending us into the survival-oriented mode of fight, flight, or freeze. In this state of emergency, all non-essential systems go offline, and along with the digestive and reproductive systems, our capacity for learning temporarily shuts down. If we want to do differently, we literally cannot shame ourselves into it.
On the other hand, Dr. Shapiro said, speaking to ourselves with care and understanding fills the brain with oxytocin and endorphins: hormones and neurotransmitters that facilitate connection, ease, and wellbeing. This self-compassion makes us feel safe enough to engage, to try something new, to learn.
Dr. Shapiro made this compelling case for self-compassion as the more effective path to growth, motivation, and progress (not to mention the one that creates a friendlier and less hostile work environment inside your brain). And self-compassion has other benefits, as well.
Self-compassion demonstrably lowers levels of anxiety and depression. Clearly that benefits our emotional and psychological wellbeing, but such a reduction in stress can lead to improved sleep and a stronger immune system too. And while anxiety and depression decrease, there is also an increase in happiness, optimism, curiosity and connectedness to others.
The benefits continue. Self-compassion also decreases rumination and fear of failure. This can lead to positive changes in nutrition, exercise and physical movement, health management, and a range of other physical benefits. Contrary to some folks’ concerns that firing their inner drill sergeant will make them lazy and self-indulgent:
Self-compassion involves the desire for the self's health and well-being, and is associated with greater personal initiative to make needed changes in one's life. Because self-compassionate individuals do not berate themselves when they fail, they are more able to admit mistakes, modify unproductive behaviors and take on new challenges (Neff, 2009).
Now, knowing all this about the benefits of self-compassion, a quick review of how to practice self-compassion, as defined by Dr. Kristin Neff:
1. Practice mindfulness, rather than overidentification: observe thoughts and feelings without agreeing with them or buying into the harsh stories they’re telling us about ourselves
2. Focus on common humanity, rather than isolation: remember that all people struggle and make mistakes
3. Treat ourselves with kindness, rather than judgement: actively comfort and reassure ourselves with positive and encouraging statements
It sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? And hopefully a little less woo-woo, a little more concrete. At this point, decades of research show that with intention, repetition, practice, and time, self-compassion has the power to change, soften, and strengthen us — inside and out.
If you’re struggling with persistently negative and self-critical thoughts, I invite you to get in touch with me for some support in unlearning that pattern and developing a kinder inner voice and a better inner ally. I would love to hear from you.