Anniversaries of Loss and Trauma: The Body Keeps the Calendar
It’s a familiar pattern: a client who has been working with me in therapy around a loss or a traumatic event starts to report that they’re feeling a bit better, a bit sturdier, at six or nine months out from it. Their mood may be lighter, they’re thinking and talking about other aspects of their lives, and they’re looking toward the future. Then seemingly out of nowhere, their mood starts to sink or darken. Sadness and anxiety feel close to the surface. Now they voice concerns that they’re sliding backward in their healing process.
They’re not sliding backward; they’re coming around again.
As the anniversary of a loss or a trauma approaches, it’s often the case that our bodies register familiar signs before we consciously take note of the calendar. How so? Though most of us live our day-to-day lives at some distance from nature, we are still living beings in Earth’s ecosystem and are still deeply attuned to our natural environments. We may not notice the cues in our conscious minds, but our bodies’ finely-tuned sensory processing systems still recognize signs of the changing seasons. These may be shifts in the hours and angle of sunlight, changes in the weather, or the smell of certain plants and flowers blooming. A difficult anniversary may be a few months away, but our bodies already sense its nearness.
Plenty of other cues can signal our unconscious as well: the feel of seasonal clothing such as linen or wool, smells like grill smoke in the summer or certain spices at the winter holidays, or decorations and displays in shop windows. All this and much more was the backdrop to perhaps the worst thing that ever happened to us; meanwhile, the body’s number one imperative is to keep us safe by alerting us to perceived threats. Even if we don’t yet make the connection explicitly, it’s no wonder that we’re suddenly filled with dread, sorrow, restlessness, or unease.
Simply recognizing this context can be incredibly helpful, as it normalizes and validates the sudden onset of intense and difficult emotions. Soothing our bodies from the outside in can also restore some balance and reassure our bodies that we are safe in the present moment. This might look like taking some deep breaths, gentle movement like walking or swaying, loving touch (e.g. a self-hug), or listening to a grounding exercise or meditation. Several guided meditations are available — for free and in many different languages — on the UCLA Heath website. It can also help to bring mindful awareness to these emotions: noticing them, naming them, and allowing them to flow through without judgment or resistance. Read more about sitting with emotions here.
If these emotions feel too heavy to carry alone, or if other challenges or concerns are compounding a difficult season for you, you might consider reaching out for some support. I’d love to hear from you.