The Emotions Series: How to Sit with a Feeling
With the popular proliferation of therapy-speak, “sitting with your feelings” is practically a cliche. Do we really know what it means, though? If we are not informed and intentional about how we sit with our feelings, we can end up stewing in them and staying stuck, or ruminating and reinforcing a harmful belief that is connected to the feeling. In contrast, when we skillfully sit with our emotions, we do the opposite: rather than stay stuck, we allow for the flow and movement of feelings; rather than reinforce harmful beliefs, we observe what we feel without judging it or imposing a narrative.
So how do we skillfully sit with our emotions?
Let’s start with being intentional about it. From the jump I want to be clear that this doesn’t mean setting aside hours for reflection, journaling, and deep breathwork. If you want to do that, it can be a beautiful journey of self-discovery. But it’s not required. With some practice, we can gently and effectively process a feeling in just a few minutes: in a bathroom stall at work, sitting in the car after a difficult conversation, or briefly stepping away from a dysregulated child. To be intentional is just to devote our full attention to this effort. Any moment or location that allows us to turn inward is good enough.
Now to be informed about it. These five steps offer a guided process for how to tune in to what you’re feeling and explore how it shows up in your body. As you begin, my final invitations are to stay present (keeping your focus on the process), stay curious (open to learning about yourself), and stay neutral (not judging or labeling anything as good or bad).
Recognize that you’re experiencing a difficult feeling. Congratulations! If you’ve set aside an intentional moment to sit with an emotion, you’ve already recognized that you’re having one. You’re off to a great start.
Notice any sensations. What physical sensations do you feel in your body? Some examples might be heat, cold, numbness, tingling, tightness, or heaviness. Like a scientist making impartial observations, just notice what’s happening inside you and where. Some places in or on your body might be your palms, throat, belly, face, or shoulders.
Name the feeling. Being able to say to ourselves, “I’m feeling disappointed” or “I’m feeling inadequate“ helps define, contain, and explain the whirlwind of sensations you feel swirling inside. So, having a vocabulary to accurately label your experiences is a key starting point to processing them. It’s okay if you’re not able to identify what you’re feeling yet! It may pop up later, or it may not. For now, just name what you can: “I’m feeling something heavy,” or “I’m feeling something hot but not exactly anger,” or even “I’m feeling something.” You can also consult a feelings wheel to try to pinpoint what you’re feeling. Feel free to look one up online (this overview from the Cleveland Clinic is a wonderful place to start), and I will also share more about this in a future post.
Breathe. Soften and let go where you can. Allow the feeling and the sensations to be as they are. Give them space and simply witness them. Breathe more. Do you notice anything moving or shifting?
Offer yourself compassion. Speak kindly to yourself about the feeling you’re having. It is so important to hear these words, even from ourselves:
“It’s okay that you’re feeling this way.”
“It makes sense that this feeling is coming up right now.”
“All feelings are normal, natural, and human. You are still good and loved.”
You’ve done it! This is skillfully sitting with an emotion. You might notice the feeling has mostly moved through you now, or maybe it will linger for a while longer. Either way, you’ve done important work to connect with the feeling in your body and disconnect it from any harmful narratives that might keep you hooked.
Finally, you might choose to offer yourself some love and gratitude for taking care of yourself in this way. And if this process was new to you, practice and self-compassion is all it takes to get more comfortable with it.
For more support with understanding and managing your emotions, please feel free to reach out. I’d be honored to hear more about what you’re going through and help you hold it with more ease.
By the way: In this post, I use the words “feeling” and “emotion” interchangeably. However, there is important nuance between the two that can help us make further sense of our experiences. In a future post, I will dive deeper into these differences and how they can serve us. Stay tuned!