Finding Freedom from Our Phones, Part 2
Welcome to part 2! If you’re just joining us, I invite you to check out part 1 before diving in.
Where we left off:
From my perspective, there are two reasons why we stay stuck in our phone patterns: (1) our phone use meets a need that we have, and (2) we feel ashamed of our phone dependency.
Let’s start with our phone dependency.
It’s been well-documented that many devices and apps rewire our brains. And a myth that we must release is that willpower alone can break the habit. Tech executives and designers spend billions of dollars and employ top scientists to make their products irresistible. Like a casino with the lights on 24/7 and no clocks, these companies make money by keeping you inside. Why would they make it easier for you to leave? Against that apparatus our willpower is outmatched, and by design.
It’s insidious, to be sure, but we know it’s happening. We’re aware of our phone dependence. I’m sure you have heard (or said): “I know I’m addicted to my phone” or “Ugh, I really need to get off social media,” etc. We’ve been captured, but we also know we’ve been captured. So again: why do we stay stuck?
What I hear underneath these admissions, these expressions of frustration and defeat, is shame. Shame that I can’t control myself, shame that I haven’t changed my behavior.
But as with so many of our struggles, if we could shame ourselves into changing, it would have worked by now. We’re all well-acquainted with the voice of shame inside our heads, but so far it hasn’t brought us any closer to progress, happiness, or ease. It has just beaten us down. Instead of shaming ourselves about this, let’s try self-compassion to motivate change.
As we’ve explored in other posts, practicing self-compassion takes three steps:
1) Mindfulness: Nonjudgmental noticing of our behavior, thoughts, feelings, and self-talk around our phone use..
2) Connect to our common humanity: Remind ourselves that, “It’s not just me, everyone is facing this same challenge. (The “digital detox” market is now a mutli-billion dollar industry!) And it’s not a matter of personal failings — these products are addictive by design.”
3) Speak kindly to yourself: “This is hard, and it’s okay that you’re having a hard time with it. That makes sense! Because I love you, I’m going to help you set some loving limits.”
With our shame neutralized, we’re ready to set those loving limits. Below are some practical suggestions for interrupting your current patterns so that you can reset your relationship with your phone to one that better serves you. And again, we aren’t doing this from a position of judgment or deprivation, but out of self-care and a desire to align our actions with our intentions.
Each of these is a string or a thread. Is any single thread strong enough to hold the weight of your phone habit? Maybe, but you might also consider weaving a few threads together (trying a few suggestions at once) to make a rope or net that will be stronger and better able to hold you as you practice, grow, and change.
Change Your Settings:
Switch your screen to grayscale. It’s incredible how much less appealing it is without color.*
Turn off all or most notifications. Would you want a live person interrupting you every few minutes with updates on news, sports, social media activity, markets, sales, etc.?
Change Your Routine:
Give your phone a bedtime and a bed: set a time to put your phone down and a specific spot (out of the way) to leave it overnight. If you use the phone alarm to wake up, get a physical alarm clock.
Tools like AppBlock or Action Dash allow you to create different “modes” on your phone for different scheduled times. For example, in Evening or Weekend mode (or whatever you choose) a certain set of apps can be made available or unavailable.*
Try deleting apps on a schedule (e.g. over the weekend) and reinstalling them when you want to use them again. You won’t lose any of your data or content, and it will slow down your ability to reach for them at will.
Create Physical Friction:
Keep your phone plugged in and charging in one place, like on your kitchen counter, so you have to go there to use it. Old school!
Some physical devices like Brick or Mindset Phone Lockbox create a physical barrier to using your phone or certain apps (although possible to override, with effort, in case of true need).
*You may need to look up how to do this on your specific device or model.
**No affiliations to or endorsements of any brands mentioned here. These are just a few examples from a broad market of tools and solutions.
And finally, we return to the question of what need our phone fulfills in our lives, and how that keeps us trapped in our patterns. In addiction recovery, it has long been known that when you take something away, you have to replace it with something else. So, what need was your phone meeting for you? Is it how you allowed yourself to rest? Is it how you stayed connected to others? Is it how you received validation, stimulation, or inspiration? Once you are clear on the purpose it served, you must ask: what will take its place? How will you get that need met in a way that is healthier for you?
Because when we are in tune with what we need and empowered to get it in an emotionally healthy way — that’s freedom.
Congratulations on making it this far! I hope you found something useful in this long read, and if you’d like to explore any of these issues more deeply, please don’t hesitate to reach out.