How to Love Someone Well When They’re Grieving
When someone we love or care about has experienced a loss, saying or doing the “right” thing to support them can feel incredibly daunting.
Before I share some thoughts about how we can love one another well through grief, I want to normalize that daunted-ness. Because our culture is terrible with death.
People get old and die. People suffer terrible and untimely deaths. Dying is an inevitable and unsolvable problem. But in our comparatively new, individualistic, consumerist society, youth sells. Happiness sells. Innovation sells. And when youth, happiness, and innovation are our highest ideals and idols, there is no place for decline, for tragedy, and for problems we can’t fix.
Also, we are increasingly (and literally) removed from death: over the last century, economic, medical, and social change has meant that most people now die in hospitals and care facilities. Just two or three generations ago, it would have been common to witness deaths at home, and entire communities would have been closely involved in one another’s dying and grieving processes.
All this to say that talking about death is unfamiliar and unsettling for many of us. So let’s extend grace to ourselves and others for not knowing what to do or say when someone we care about is grieving.
At the same time, let’s not let uncertainty or self-consciousness stop us from showing up. My first invitation is to turn toward their grief, accepting that you might do it imperfectly. Don’t avoid the person, their loss, or their grief, however awkward you may feel. Acknowledge what happened and whom they lost. It’s safe to say their name and talk about them. Very often, a grieving person desperately wants to hear recollections and stories about their loved one and to feel less alone in remembering them.
I also invite you to release responsibility for their pain. When we’re uncomfortable with others’ heavy emotions and want to “fix it” for them, we can get stuck on trying to find the exact right words. Or worse, we might try to “make sense of it” for them by saying something like the dreaded, “Everything happens for a reason” or “He’s in a better place now.” You can’t fix grief; instead, try to express something that is genuine and heartfelt for you, even something as simple as “He was such a special person” or “I know you loved her so incredibly much” or “I am so sorry.”
And finally, own what you have to offer. Rather than asking how you can help or extending an open invitation (“Just let me know!”), be proactive, specific, and bold about what you can do. Drop off meals like you would for new parents; send a text about which mornings you can walk their dog; when they mention the business of death, like appointments at the bank or packing up medical equipment, offer to drive them, accompany them, and/or lend a hand. This may feel intrusive — we don’t usually go with a friend or neighbor to meet with the utility company — but someone who is grieving may long for the companionship. They may also be exhausted by the physical toll of grief, and may gladly accept a bit of chauffeuring.
More than any one word or deed, though, you can support a loved one with your continued, attentive presence in their life. After the cards and texts stop coming, after all the freezer meals have been eaten, you can be a person who keeps showing up to distract them with a laugh or listen lovingly to their memories and sorrows. In the end, it’s our time and attention that matter most.