The Emotions Series: Guilt vs. Remorse
Guilt vs. remorse. This is the topic that inspired me to start writing Little Gems: the little gem I find myself sharing so often with my clients that I suddenly thought, “Would others benefit from this?”
I won’t be quoting any experts here or linking to any studies from the NIH. These ideas about guilt and remorse are just the result of my own human experiences, along with the reactions of so many clients who’ve said they feel affirmed and empowered by this framework. I hope it may offer you something, but as always — keep what serves you and leave the rest!
“It’s so hard for me to hold that boundary… I just can’t stand the guilt.”
“I could never do that — there’s too much guilt attached.”
“I want to, but I feel so guilty!”
I’ve heard this from clients regarding a million different issues and scenarios. But I noticed something they all have in common: the guilt is always opposite from their own needs, their own values, the self they aspire to be. Guilt is opposed to our inner knowing and allied with what others might think or want from us.
When we’re acting authentically but feeling guilt, it’s a signal that we’ve internalized other people’s expectations. And no one has to say a word to remind us of those expectations, because we’re doing their work for them.
On the other hand, remorse is our signal that we haven’t lived up to our own values; that we’re out of alignment with our highest selves. We feel compelled to take accountability, to repair with others, to make it right. To get back in alignment with ourselves.
Guilt is tinged with shame and fear. Shame is an evolutionary adaptation to stay safely within the group (that part actually is science!). When we sense the threat of disconnection, shame flares up. Shame is other-focused; shame monitors. Guilt, then, is our proactive hedge against shame. “Before someone can kick me out of my place of belonging, I will beat myself up to get back in line.” But we don’t necessarily need that kind of safety anymore, and there may be nothing to gain from getting back in someone else’s line.
Remorse is tinged with sadness and loneliness. We’ve let ourselves down, we’ve gotten away from our center of self. Remorse is inner-focused; remorse will show up even if no one else knows. “How do I get back to feeling right with myself? How do I get home?” Guilt will have us denying our needs and our inner knowing, but remorse will never lead us astray.
So, when we’re feeling that tug, my invitation is to ask ourselves: Is it guilt or remorse? Do I want to do something different here, genuinely, or is there a story I’ve internalized about what I “should” do and how I “should” be? Do I accept that story?
I also love using somatic exercises to release guilt and outer expectations. This might look like physically brushing them off you, wherever you feel them hanging on, or using your arms and hands to push away those expectations and give them back to the people they came from, perhaps while shaking the head and saying “No.” These embodied experiences can be powerful in terms of shifting our beliefs and emotions. Maybe give it a try, and if you want to explore these themes and techniques further, please reach out and let me know!