Self-Compassion and ADHD
When I was growing up, it seemed like the measure of everyone’s wellbeing was “self-esteem.” It must have been a pop-psych buzzword of the era, because in my memory it was everywhere. When we succeed, it adds to our self-esteem. Adverse experiences might threaten our self-esteem. And if you’re a healthy and well-adjusted person, you smile through your struggles because you have that much self-esteem in the bank. But… what if you don’t feel good about yourself all the time? What then?
As with so many things, both the research and popular psychology have a more nuanced understanding of this now. Instead of hanging our worth and wellbeing on that slippery and precarious self-esteem, we can rely on steady, stable self-compassion.
The reality is that we all face hard times and make mistakes; when we do, our reaction is usually embarrassment, disappointment, anger, shame, sadness, discouragement, and so on. It’s inevitable that we will feel bad about ourselves sometimes. With self-compassion, we can meet ourselves there. We can take gentle care of ourselves in those difficult moments, and over time even develop a kinder automatic inner voice. Not through a clenched smile and toxic positivity, but by replacing our critical and accusatory inner voice with a warm and understanding one. In another post we can dive deeper into the practice and benefits of self-compassion, but for now suffice it to say that self-compassion both feels better and actually allows us to do better than perfectionism does.
In her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, expert Dr. Kristin Neff describes a three-step process for self-compassion in any moment, which also builds up a more balanced and resilient inner voice over the long term. These three steps are:
Practice mindfulness, observing thoughts and feelings without agreeing with them or buying into the harsh stories they’re telling us about ourselves.
Connect to our common humanity, remembering that all people struggle and make mistakes.
Treat ourselves with kindness, actively comforting and reassuring ourselves with positive and encouraging statements.
ADHD can make self-compassion even more challenging. First, those with ADHD already have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and stress than neurotypical folks. ADHD also tends to impact the executive functions (i.e.. more lateness, more important tasks forgotten or items misplaced) and impulsivity (more interrupting or blurting out, or more hasty decisions made), resulting in frequent criticism and negative consequences at school, at work, in relationships, in finances, etc. Things will go wrong; outcomes won’t match intentions. In the face of this, self-compassion is essential.
So what might Dr. Neff’s prescription for self-compassion sound like for someone with ADHD? Perhaps something like this:
Practice mindfulness, naming your experience without attaching it to a story, e.g. “I’m feeling embarrassed and frustrated because I forgot to put that deadline on my calendar,“ instead of “I always mess things up, I’m such a failure.”
Connect to our common humanity, remembering that there literally millions of people with ADHD who struggle in the same ways you do, and to paraphrase Dr. Ari Tuckman, ADHD doesn’t create new problems, it just exacerbates universal ones (like forgetting).
Treat ourselves with kindness, using loving and affirming words to ground ourselves, along with a plan for getting back on track so we don’t allow ourselves to spiral, e.g. “You’re a good person doing your best, and this is really challenging for you. Let’s take responsibility and apologize, figure out a new deadline that will work, and make sure we have next week’s deadlines straight.”
Self-compassion is a skill that takes learning and practice. It may not feel intuitive when we’ve spent a lifetime beating ourselves up and thinking that’s the only way to keep ourselves in line. But with intention and repetition, that warm and understanding voice can actually become your voice, and things can feel a whole lot gentler inside your own head. Especially for folks with ADHD, this might be a welcome change.
Does a kinder inner voice, especially around your ADHD, sound good? To start actively managing your ADHD and healing your relationship with yourself, schedule a consultation and let’s begin.