By living and working together in a group, our primate and early hominid ancestors were each better protected and enjoyed a greater chance of survival. Alternatively, an individual on their own was doomed. If losing connection to the group means death, then we must be vigilant about safeguarding our belonging. Shame warns us when a threat to our belonging may be near.

From childhood, we’re taught that our anger is not welcome, But rather than fear anger as a way of losing our connection to others, let’s honor it as a way to reconnect with ourselves.

The feelings wheel can help guide us from our general feeling down into the specific experience we are having. And knowing what’s really going on inside can help us see what we might need in that moment.

Guilt will have us denying our needs and our inner knowing, but remorse will never lead us astray.

If we are not informed and intentional about how we sit with our feelings, we can end up just stewing in them and staying stuck, or ruminating and reinforcing a harmful belief.

Most of us, even those of us with the most loving and well-meaning caregivers and teachers, did not receive an emotional education. We learned to use a fork, to tie our shoes, to read and tell time. To share and to wait our turn. But not about the anger of having to share, or the frustration of waiting, or the embarrassment of being the last to read.