The Emotions Series: Shame Is a Matter of Life and Death
To be honest, I’m on the fence about the title of this post — I never want to sound hyperbolic or sensationalist when we are exploring the tender and nuanced spaces of personal growth and healing. However, I’m willing to stretch beyond my comfort zone here for two reasons. First, shame is at the root of so much deep wounding that I witness in my therapy clients; it is a plague of our culture, and I feel passionately about digging it out wherever it has taken root. And second, the title above is accurate! Shame is indeed a matter of life and death.
Our primate and early hominid ancestors did not survive predators, the harsh elements, and the many hazards and demands of prehistoric daily life through superior strength or speed. Their greatest asset, the superpower that allowed for the evolution of human social and intellectual prowess, was cooperation. By living and working together in a group, each individual was better protected and enjoyed a greater chance of survival.
Alternatively, an individual out on their own and without the protection of the group was unequivocally doomed.
Rejection, exclusion, expulsion… all death sentences.
Through this lens, the sharp sting of shame — how painful and penetrating that emotion is, and how difficult it is to shake — is an adaptation we have developed for physical survival. If losing connection to the group means death, then we must be vigilant about safeguarding our belonging. Shame warns us that a threat to our connection and belonging may be near.
Deep in our DNA, shame is absolutely a matter of life and death.
And because it is so primal and, at one time, so protective, shame lodges itself deep. It’s more than that heat in our face when we wave at someone who is (OH NO) in fact waving at someone else — hot for a few moments but then subsiding. Shame may start out hot, in formative or repeated experiences of rejection and humiliation, but over time it cools and hardens into a core belief that we are bad or inadequate, that we don’t belong and never will, that there is something fundamentally wrong with us.
When we come to believe that rejection is the cost of authenticity, and that we will not survive if we are truly known, shame robs us of rich life experiences, deep relationships, connection to our true selves, and being fully present in our lives.
Healing shame can be profound individual work, but this is also an area where therapy can have a transformational impact. We are not born feeling shame; it is a wound created in relationship, and those wounds created in relationship are often best healed in relationship. Having the experience of being truly seen and still accepted by another person, of being fully witnessed and fully held, sends a powerful message to that ancient DNA that we are safe and we are good enough, just as we are.
If you feel ready to set down your shame, begin healing your wounds, and rediscover your authentic and connected self, I invite you to get in touch. This is work I would be honored to do with you.